Next time you go traipsing down the aisles of your local supermarket, consider these fabulous tips designed to get you noticed above the rabble that dares to shop within your area.

1) Go around swapping the price stickers on tins and packets. This will create such absolute mayhem that when you reach the checkout the odds are you’ll end up saving a fortune.

2) Take 9 items through the 8 items or less till and pretend to be totally deaf when the cashier complains. Make gurgling noises to let the cashier know that you are totally mute as well. To really make it effective, have a simulated breakdown and let the tears flow. You’ll win the sympathy of other shoppers and get the cashier sacked!

3) Pile far more items into your trolley than you can possibly ever afford. When the poor checkout girl shows you the bill which should be in the hundreds, sweetly state that you’ve only got a fiver and can’t be bothered. Leave it and walk away.

4) Push the trolley around at lightning speeds. Cut other shoppers off at the corners, overtake on the inside where there is barely room to swing a cat, and weave your way merrily through every aisle. Time yourself and make a mental note to improve your speed for next time.

5) If you shop with a friend, have a wonderful game of dodgems and smash into his or her trolley at every available opportunity. If you don’t shop with a friend then recruit other unwary shoppers.

6) Another game for 2 or more players is to steer your trolley into as many shoppers as you possibly can. Points are as follows: 5 points for the back of a leg, 10 points if you emerge from a collision with some of your victims goods within your trolley, 15 points for actually drawing blood and 20 points for a blow above the waist and a suspended sentence when your target is rushed to hospital.

7) Take a bite out of every piece of fruit within spitting distance as you go about the supermarket, just to determine if they are ripe or not.

8) When coming across a tower of display items, skillfully remove one of the bottom ones and induce a hilarious items collapse. As other shoppers are forced to brake sharply and dive for cover, quickly distance yourself from the scene.